Last week I deleted Facebook, Messenger and Instagram apps from all my devices. At the weekend I took it a step further and deleted the accounts. Well, I say deleted but I don’t seem to be able to delete Facebook, only deactivate it and there’s only a sign out function for messenger, I’m guessing because it’s Facebook adjacent.

I felt ‘watched’ on social media. I had pulled away a few times but this is the first time I’ve deleted the accounts. Social media is just that, social. Too social for me. It’s great for staying in touch with people who’ve moved away or you don’t see often but right now I need space. I am married but separated from my wife. I have had another relationship since my marriage broke down. That relationship was doomed from the start, rebound relationships usually are. I’m describing my last relationship as rebound only as a way of me trying to come to terms with the end of it. I’ll be talking lots more about that relationship as I get back into keeping an online journal. But for now, let’s say I always knew it wasn’t the real thing.

My ex-wife kept a check on my social media activity, especially near the end of our relationship and even more so after we broke up. I was questioned about so much. I’m not one to share personal things online but occasionally would post a song or quote that conveyed my mood/feelings. Nothing was ever directed at my ex-wife, it was just my way of coping with how I was feeling. I’m never vocal about how I am really feeling so sometimes needed an outlet to share that I wasn’t in a good mood or felt a little sad, the quotes were deep but I always tried to have them be with a positive message too. Along the lines of I’m sad but I’m looking for the silver lining, that’s a little simplified but I thought you’ll get my meaning. It got to the point I stopped posting anything because I was accused of having a go or I was trying to embarrass her or I was trying to communicate with her. Why would I? No matter what I said or liked, an innocent comment I left on a friends post or liking a friend’s picture of their baby, I was always trying to send some message to my ex-wife. I was left feeling extremely fatigued by it all.

Once I had moved out and after a few months my ex-wife stopped getting in touch with me. It’s now several months since I had any contact with her. I’ve only seen her once in the street and thankfully, she did not see me. I do not look forward to the day I run into her. I have no idea what she will be like.

I started going back on social media. Slowly I got back into sharing things and liking and commenting again. I was beginning to enjoy being back online once more. I started a new relationship. Few people knew about it. I rarely update statuses about relationships but since we were keeping it quiet I posted nothing about my girlfriend. Time moved on and we broke up. I did what I did before, I posted the odd quote, something I did not stop doing between relationships. One of these quotes were thrown at me during an argument. At a later date I pointed out how crummy it was to use social media posts against me because it reminded me of my ex-wife. This did not go down well and my ex said repeatedly how I had upset her and hurt her and that she was nothing like my ex-wife. I managed to refrain from informing her that she was in fact being very much like my ex-wife, not for the first time. Social media posts had already been used against me, I still don’t understand that argument even months later. Perhaps I’ll recount it at some point to try and figure out what is going on in my head and maybe I’ll be able to figure out what was going on in her head.

Examples of quotes I posted…

I got paranoid about posting anything online. Over the last couple of months, it’s gotten to the point that I can’t post something without worrying about how it will be interpreted. My ex-wife is blocked on all my social media. My ex was blocked but we are trying to be friends so I have unblocked her but still feel extremely paranoid about posting even the most innocent of pictures, even of baby ducks that are in a local body of water has me worried, silly right? I know that but still can’t help it. The only logical thing I could think to do was to delete my accounts. I still have Twitter, my ex-wife and my ex rarely used Twitter. I’ve still to post anything on there but have spent a bit more time reading other people’s tweets. I’m building up to posting. That sounds incredibly sad.

My life is a mess. I am on antidepressants. I have been threatened. I have been financially let down. I have lost my home. I have lost the love of my life (yeah, my ex is the love of my life despite how I talked about her in this post). I have nothing much to live for. I am fighting every day not to self-harm. I am fighting every day to make it to the end of the day. I am working on making me better, physically, mentally and emotionally. I want to wake up and know I shall be happy that day, from start to finish and not worry that just because I wake up feeling great that I might not feel that way in a few hours.

I have a pretty good life but my brain doesn’t always agree with that and instead puts obstacles up to prevent me from enjoying it. My brain needs fixing. I’m working on it along with how to deal with my emotions and thoughts and everything that goes along with that. I need somewhere to let out what I am feeling and this seems as good a place as any. I’ll need to stay as vague as possible, I do not want anyone finding out who I am. I doubt anyone would but I’ll remain cautious just in case. Paranoid right to the end.

Paranoid

 

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