Deeply

I am severely depressed. I’m not just a little depressed. Not this time. I am more than just unhappy. I am more than sad. I’ve never been this bad. I’ve been on anti-depressants several times in the past. Usually after a few months I take myself off them and I’m ok for many years (I know that’s not the advised way to come off those pills). This time is scarily more severe, for lack of a better description.

I have a new doctor. My old doctor retired. Most of the doctors at the practice retired. This new doctor, like previous doctors put me on anti-depressants. Unlike other doctors she also referred me to Mental Health Nurse who has been a great help. I don’t feel like it’s all down to the pills and myself to help me get better. This time I feel I might get to the root of my issues and have a long-term break from depression.

People at work know I’m depressed. My close family know I’m depressed. I had no choice but to tell my workmates considering I kept breaking down or lashing out. Everyone has been extremely understanding. That has been a great help.

I still have a massive need to be alone, I know that’s not always a good thing but right now it’s what I need. I’m doing my best to keep my distance from my ex in an attempt to help me move on from her. The Mental Health Nurse referred me to an online site to help me cope with my thoughts and feelings. I just completed my fifth week and I’m finding it more and more helpful as it goes on. One of the things I’m working on this week has me doing things that are good for me. I’ve put one of the things I’m going to work on is saying no to people and situations I do not want to do. I have serious guilt saying no to people when they ask me to do things. I feel really bad about it and usually give in, even if it makes me upset doing it. I need to keep saying no to my ex. I don’t want to talk to her or have any contact with her. I know she will be unhappy that I don’t reply or keep replies to a minimum. I don’t want to do that, I want to stay in touch with her but when I do I read too much into it, in part because she likes to remind me she doesn’t want me after she tells me that she still loves me.

It is time for me to think about myself and not feel guilty about it. I will always be there for others but if there is something that I really do not wish to do then I am not doing it. I know I still will, it’ll take me time but I’m going to work on making me happy.

Broken

 

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2 thoughts on “Depression

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