And she’s dating him…’officially’

Yesterday I was informed that my ex and the guy she said she had only gone on one date with are an official item that’s been going on for a while. I did not hear this from my ex. I have to say my first reaction was sadness but that lasted only a mere moment. I was more perplexed by the fact I wasn’t nearly as bothered as I expected to be at the news that the woman who claimed to not want to be with anyone has been dating someone for a while. Hmm…

I have to say how I felt was relief. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I still love her. I do not want to be with her, right now. I would never say no to discussing being with anyone but right now, the thought of being with her again makes me feel nothing but bleakness. I would like to have a friendship with her. Looking over what we went through after the break up has brought me some new and a little surprising conclusions. I still felt a responsibility to try and build her confidence. I still felt the responsibility to help her. I still felt the responsibility to make her feel good about herself. There was so much I still felt responsible for. I’m now thinking that perhaps I mistook those misplaced sense of responsibilities for still wanting to be with her. I never wanted to save her, I learned years ago you can’t do that but I did want to help her and be there for her but now have to say that I think I let that blind me to how I really felt for her. I mistook the feelings of wanting to be there for her as feelings of wanting to be with her.

My life feels like it can now begin for real.