My plan.

My plan.

I have a plan for my future. Camping. I’ve never been. Always wanted too but never known anyone else (other than my most recent ex) who wanted to go. Also I’ve always been too scared to go by myself. I have no idea why I have a fear? Is it too many Friday the 13th movies growing up? Is it just me holding myself back as usual? Is it laziness? Perhaps it’s a bit of all of the above. My ex and I were going to go camping and when we broke up I have to admit I just dismissed the idea of it. Then I was thinking what is actually stopping me other than myself? The answer is right there. Without a doubt there is nothing other than myself. Me and only me stops me doing anything that I am capable of.

I have ordered a two-man tent. A pop up one. I need it to be as easy as possible for my first time out. I’ll also have two dogs who have never been camping. I’m beyond excited about it. In a month or so I’ll be heading out on my first trip. I’ll take a train to my destination. I’ll have a month to return. I’ll only be away for a long weekend.

I’ve said to my oldest niece about camping sometime in the future. She says that she’d like to come with me. She’s never been either. I hope when the tent comes it’ll be big enough to fit two adults and two pooches. I’m very happy. I’m very excited.

I’m not sure of everything I need. I’ve made a list. I’m sure there will be things I’ll not even imagine. The first few times will be trial and error. As long as I have food, water and all other essentials for my boys I know I’ll survive just fine.

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Rowing. Week 2. Day(s) 2,3,4,5 and 6.

Rowing. Week 2. Day(s) 2,3,4,5 and 6.

I’ve been negligent of updating my blog but I’ve not been negligent of keeping up with my rowing. I have a cold and have found myself extremely tired after work, working out and having a meal. I’ve fallen asleep most nights. I’ve been feeling rundown. I’m better today and hope I’ll be over this tomorrow.

Through this week I have pushed myself harder than last week. I’ve been rowing for longer, building up to fifteen minutes today. I’ve also been rowing for longer on the higher tension. I had been doing two sets of each additional exercise up until today where I did three sets of between 7-15 reps. Today should have been a simple rowing day but I decided that today, since I had the house to myself was going to be a full workout with me going back on the machine for some rowing throughout the day. My cold isn’t great but it’s not terrible either so I’d only be using it as an excuse to slack on a workout.

Some days through the week I’ll admit I did find it a bit of a struggle and had to take several breaks during the rowing. Only starting again when I felt able too. I’m no quitter but I do not wish to cause myself harm or make my illness worse. Because of the aches and pains that go along with having a cold it made doing some of the workout unpleasant but I pushed through that pain, mostly because it wasn’t that bad and again I’d only be using it as an excuse if I stopped. My asthma played up a bit but I expected that with working out while having a cold.

I plan to push myself even harder during the coming week. I’ve started running while walking my dogs. I’m not confident to go out on my own running but think I could build up to that with the help of running with my dogs as a starting point. I’m not seeing or really feeling a distinct physical change but mentally and emotionally it’s had an extremely positive effect. There is part of me that does think there is a difference in my upper abdomen but I’m not sure if it’s only because I want to see it. I have felt physically sick a couple of times during workouts. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m ill or if it’s because of the workouts. I’m making sure I drink plenty of water, not just while working out but as a general rule now. I’m not an expert when it comes to keep fit or anything healthy in general. It’s all trial and error and figuring out what works best for me.

The one thing that I’ve been surprised at is how much better I feel within myself after a workout. I find myself thinking about it while bored at work. I find myself thinking of ways I can improve my workout. I find myself thinking about workouts while walking my dogs. I think about what I want to achieve from working out. I visualise my body and how I want it to look. I don’t want to be skinny, I’m quite happy with my weight and size. It’s more about the shape of my body now. I have a realistic goal. My ideal body shape is very realistic. It’s rather boring if I’m being honest. It’s nothing out of the ordinary. I’m not looking to have a six-pack or bulging girly muscles. I want definition and a shape that I am happy with and comfortable with. I’m on my way and loving this journey I am on.

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Why…

…does being happy annoy people? Why do people assume because I’m happy and smiling I must be in a relationship? Is it not possible to be happy with myself? I am loving finding myself. I am loving rediscovering all the things I love and have let fall away because of outside influences, mostly my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend. I am so happy and content with myself I actually feel sorry for these people who think I can only be this happy because I’m in a relationship. Right now I’m too selfish to be in a relationship, I’m enjoying my company too much to let someone else spoil it.

Rowing. Week 1. Day 5.

Rowing. Week 1. Day 5.

Today was a rowing only day. I have to say I am enjoying these workouts. I feel better in so many ways and all so soon after I have started. My mood is better. My mind is more focused. My thoughts are more positive. I know it’s not all down to the rowing and workouts but I do believe it’s played a big part.

I am eating better. I have had issues with eating disorders and I’ll admit that I was having some issues lately. I was forcing myself to have at least one decent meal a day. Sometimes it was really difficult but I ate. Now I am eating better, perhaps still not where I should be now that I’m working out, this is something I am working on while building towards a healthy eating plan.

I rowed for five minutes and had a break. I then rowed for another 5 minutes and added 30 seconds on. I want to build up to seven minutes, that’s my goal for next week so now that I’m close to the end of week one I thought that I’d start to increase a little on the last couple of days.

I’m looking forward to doing a full workout tomorrow. I bought some clothes that are more suited to working out in. I never imagined that it would make working out feel so much better. So come on tomorrow, I’m ready for ya.

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Smiling more.

I am finding myself smiling more. Not just in public and around people but when I’m alone too. I feel positive. I feel good. I am on a break at work, I so desperately want to explore how I am feeling more but don’t have the time right now.

Mostly I feel happy with who I am. I do feel as though I’m discovering the real me, the authentic me. Not the me who wears a mask to hide the unhappiness. Not the me who says yes even when I really don’t want to do something. Not the me who gets hurt at every wee slight. I’m happy. I’m growing stronger physically, mentally and emotionally everyday. This is a great feeling. I’m saying no to doing the things that I know will bring me down. It still feels strange to say no and I can already see it’s annoying some people because they just assume I’ll say yes but my well-being is more important than anything else right now.

It is time for me to put me first. I’m not sure I’ve ever done that. It’s very freeing, if that makes sense?!

Today is a good day.

I have to admit that I am having a really good day at work. I’ve heard my ex quietly talk about her new guy. It’s nice that she is thinking about my feelings but I don’t care. Part of me wants to tell her that but there is that part that still wants to protect her. I know saying to her that I am over her and the fact she has a new man has lifted this great weight of responsibility from my shoulders will hurt her feelings. I’ll remain quite and keep letting her think I’m still madly in love with her and desperate to get back with her. I do still love her but I do not want to be with her. Too many lies. Too many broken promises. Too much bad and not nearly enough good.

When my ex came in to work she thanked me for being so nice to her the other day. Took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about. She was making it out as if I was putting on a brave face being happy at the news she has a boyfriend. Nothing could be further from the truth. It wasn’t ‘brave face’ it was genuine happiness for her. I am so happy and beyond relieved that she has someone new. As stated in another post I feel free. I’m beginning to feel like me again. So for my ex’s sake I just made out I didn’t know what she was talking about and then brought the subject round to her weight loss. When I asked if she was referring to the kind words I had said about the weight she has lost, she said that yes, that was what she was talking about. We both know she was talking about her new man.

I’m genuinely smiling and it feels good. It feels like it has been years since I have been happy. Not fake happy. Not a little happy but full on life is good happy and I like it.

Rowing. Week 1. Day 2.

Rowing. Week 1. Day 2.

The material that came with the rowing machine says to workout 3 times a week or at least to have a break between the days you workout. I have decided to do my own version of this. I want to get into this and I know how I am. If I don’t get stuck in, so to speak, then I know I’ll do it less and less until I stop doing it altogether.

Today I did a full workout. Tomorrow I’ll row for 5 minutes and have a break then I’ll row for another 5 minutes. Wednesday I’ll do a full workout. Thursday I’ll only row again and Friday I’ll do a full workout and Saturday will be rowing only. Sunday shall be my day of rest. I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this up 100% but I’m wholeheartedly committed to this.

The other thing I’ve found about working-out, and after only a couple of days, is I feel mentally better too. This was something else I was hoping for but I’ll admit I expected that to happen later but seeing a positive already is an added bonus. I feel more focused.

So on with how the workout went. I’ll admit I deeply enjoyed the full workout today. The 5 minute rowing went well. I didn’t feel it was too difficult. I am also happy to report I don’t feel any stiffness or pain after yesterdays workout. I’m hoping I don’t feel the effects of todays workout tomorrow but I know I’ll feel it at some point.

I had a break after the rowing then started working my way through the DVD. I did really well with most of the workouts but I’ll admit there were a couple that I struggled with. I couldn’t do as many as I did yesterday but I did do them. I’m proud of that. I finished off with another session of 5 minute rowing and felt good afterwards.

Tomorrow is a rowing day. I feel I may struggle. I won’t give up. I am very determined to continue and improve my whole being. I found a little quote, I’ll post it below, it says I should start seeing results in 4 weeks. I’m not sure if the quote is accurate or not but I’m going to go with it and hope that within 4 weeks I’ll start seeing a physical change.

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